Feeling alone when you’re not

Feeling alone when you’re not

I don’t know about you but a lot of times when I am in the midst of people, I feel all alone.  I know I’m not the only one who has the feeling that if you were to scream, no one would notice.  It’s not a good feeling.  I don’t know why it happens, but it does.  I do better in crowds when my husband is with me, but when I am alone in a crowd, I get anxious.  I don’t like feeling, I don’t know, useless; like everyone has a role to play except me.  I feel like extra baggage.

I don’t have much advice on this matter because it is something I deal with a lot.  It’s why I avoid get-togethers of any variety, not because I don’t like the people, I just prefer my solitude and my dog.  I’m extremely introverted, which you all know about, so it takes a lot out of me to be a part of anything social and I usually need a couple hours of alone time to compensate.  I just prefer a good book and my dog.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with that per se, but avoidance is probably not the healthiest way to handle social situations.

I never learned how to fake a smile or a laugh.  What you see is what you get with me.  That has caused concerns in my marriage because my husband tends to think that I am not a happy person.  He seems to forget the whole bipolar thing and thinks it has to do with him.  I correct him every chance I get because my husband is wonderful and everything he does, he does for me.  He treats me like a queen.  I just don’t know how to fake a good mood.  They say to fake it before you make it, but that just doesn’t bode well with how I am.  I’m an honest person, so faking it just doesn’t appeal to me.  I don’t smile nearly often enough, mostly because I’m worried about something which I shouldn’t be because God has my back, and He can handle anything.

However, I think it is high time that I start to just let go and embrace trying to feel happier.  In reality, what do I have to not be happy about?  I have a roof over my head, my kids and friends, my amazing husband, talent to do whatever I want, and opportunities that others don’t have.  Life is sweet, if you were to just simply stop to smell the roses, as the old adage goes.  I guess what I am trying to say is that no one is ever truly alone, even in a crowd.  Guaranteed, you are not the only person feeling that way, we are all just good at hiding behind facades – well, some of us are! I know there are lots of parties this time of year and family get-togethers and all I can suggest to you is to pick just one person who seems to be a wallflower (like me!) and make conversation with that one person.  You don’t have to work the room or be a social butterfly, just work with one person and you’d be amazed at how that will make things better for you.  That’s my advice anyway, not much to go on, but like I said, I’m constantly working on this myself!

Blessings to you all,

Elizabeth

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Actually feeling Christmasy!

Actually feeling Christmasy!

First, sorry about the absence; I just had to take a break from it all, including writing.  I’m usually not a holiday kind of woman, so I was spending time trying to ignore the season – as if that’s even possible anymore.  That and I hate the idea of upcoming tax season, I hate taxes, the whole idea of it just sets me off, but enough about that.

Anyway, I am pleased to inform you that in every blue moon, I get Christmasy.  I spent Friday morning even shopping for Christmas presents, which is a rarity for me.  Not that I don’t like to shop, it just I don’t like to leave home, but you all know that.  My husband seems bent on us having a good Christmas and even went and got the tree and did the decorating and I decided that for a change I would not be all “bah, humbug!” about it.  So, I went and did some shopping, and I actually enjoyed myself – will wonders never cease.

Now I know there are people out there who celebrate Christmas as the birthday of Christ and there are others who go with the whole Santa and reindeer concept.  I really don’t care which you do, it is a free country.  Personally, both bother me, for personal reasons I won’t go into here.  First, December 25th is not Christ’s birthday, period.  I get commemorating it if that is your thing, I really do.  I also get the opposite, although raised in a Christian home, we didn’t celebrate Christ’s birth, it was the traditional Santa and reindeer with the tree type Christmas for me.  And I seem to carry that with me.  We are a product of our parents, no matter how hard we may try to not be.

But the whole point of this post is to say that the Christmas spirit isn’t about how you celebrate it, it’s about how you feel.  Feeling benevolent, generous, happy for others type thing.  What gets me is why we as a people seem to only do it for a few months out of the year and then things go back to the way they were.  Wouldn’t it be nice if all of us were Christmasy all year around?  I wonder what the world would be like then.  I don’t really have much more to say on the subject other than I truly hope that each and every one of you has a really great holiday season.  I pray that you have lots of love and laughter in the days to come with whomever you choose to spend your holiday with.  This is probably all I will say on the subject and most likely next year I will be back to my old “bah, humbug!” self.  I just truly hope and pray for a wonderful Christmas for all and an even better New Year!

Blessings to you all,

Elizabeth

God may shut a door, but always opens a window

God may shut a door, but always opens a window

As you all know, the whole Mary Kay thing has come to an end and my husband wants me to concentrate on working my first business, the administrative assistant one.  I must admit some conflict here, not that I care about Mary Kay coming to an end, that’s not where the conflict lies.  Part of me wants to have a successful business and have several clients and the whole nine yards with that, the other part of me, the louder part of me, wants to be left the heck alone and just let me take care of my house and snuggle with my dog and read a good book.  Therein lies the conflict, but I’m dealing with it.  Personally, I don’t really care about the whole career thing; it’s one of those things that looks good on paper but, in reality, isn’t all that great.  But my husband wants me to do more than sit on my butt and read, so I am working on the business.

As I told you last week, I met an insurance broker at a local business luncheon.  I met with her and her assistant on Friday for lunch and they were very helpful in explaining what I need to do to become licensed and what I could offer solo insurance principles that would help benefit them.  I know I would need to be licensed and then appointed if I want to write business, as it is called when you write policies.  Also, there is no writing involved, the lawyers do all of that, I would just use what is already written and endorse it.  And, it would most likely be more of a virtual position than an on-site position.  If the agent has an office, then they have a staff and I’m going after the ones that don’t have a staff.  The thing is, it’s freaking me out a bit and here’s why.  First, I’m learning a whole new industry, which is no big deal really, I’ve done it before and I can do it again.  Second, I have no idea how to do this virtually – that’s the big one.  I could offer to handle the phones, but I don’t know how the calls would be redirected to me to answer them.  It’s the minute details that always give me pause and I don’t know why that is.  It’s just a matter of working these details out, which I know God has already done, I just have to trust Him to do it.

But, my point to all this is that God does shut doors, but He then opens a window.  You just have to be brave enough to go through the window not knowing where you’ll land.  Is it easy?  Nope, not at all.  As you all know, trusting God is not my strongest attribute, which is sad considering all He is capable of doing.  As I always tell myself, God created the universe; I think He can handle my little problems and issues.  I don’t know if I am on the path that God wants me on, but I’ll find out pretty fast.  It seems that when you are on the path He wants you to take, He clears it of hurdles.  Well, at least the big ones. So, I will go into insurance with a couple of friends at my side that are willing to guide me along the way and offer all the advice that they can give me.  God provided that.   I know these ladies that I met for lunch are very willing to help me and I thank God for that because I am entering foreign territory and having friends behind the lines is a God-send.  So, I will be brave and jump through that window and trust that God will catch me on the other side.  It’s all I can do at this point!

Blessings to you all,

Elizabeth

Just a matter of time…

Just a matter of time…

Well, last week I wrote about wanting to be happier for my husband because he needs that from me.  I have been eating healthier and next week I’ll be adding in the exercise portion of my plan.  However, my husband has nixed the whole Mary Kay thing entirely.  It really was just a matter of time, he knew that it was not what I had expected and that it was very unnatural for me to be forced to talk to strangers and give facials and all that being a consultant involved.  So, last Saturday, after hearing yet another horror story about Mary Kay that my husband has been hearing from his friends and coworkers, he told me to stop it.  I argued with him for a while and then finally just gave in.  I can’t do something, anything without his support.  Besides, he was right, I was my own best customer!  I truly do love the products, they are really great products!

Anyway,  at first I was having  some issues with the whole thing but after a day or so, I realized that he was right (as he usually is) and am much calmer and more at peace now that I am no longer doing it.  I know all my husband wants is for me to NOT spend my days sitting on my butt on the couch with my dog and a good book.  He wants me to do something, he just doesn’t want me doing things that stress me out or that don’t make me happy.  So, I’m back to working on my other business, the administrative/bookkeeping business and I’m okay with that.  It is what I went to school for and it is what I am very good at.  I met this one person at a local networking event and she suggested I go into insurance, that there were many solo insurance principles in town that could use my help, especially if I was insurance certified to write the policies.  I love to write, and that is something I am rather good at doing and it doesn’t involve trying to sell something to someone.  I’m working on having a meeting with this woman because I want to learn more about this idea and what she was talking about; I need her guidance.

Regardless of my path, it is in God’s most capable hands.  I’m not worried about it; it will come to fruition at the perfect time because that is how God works.  I just have to work hard at getting that QuickBooks Online ProAdvisor thing done in the meantime, I’ve been putting it off for some unknown reason, but I need to just do it and be done with it.  I also want to learn more about marketing and sales in general because that is my weakest point.  I’m not salesy or much into boasting about myself and all the things that I can do.  I don’t regret the whole Mary Kay thing – it has helped me with my confidence, if I can conduct a skin care class to strangers, I can do anything I put my mind to.  It just wasn’t meant for me and I’m very glad I figured that out and can move on to what does work for me.  I like to be behind the scenes, not in front of the class.  I like being left alone to work and just be in the moment.  So, that’s what’s going on in my world as of today.  Things could change at a moment’s notice because that is how life is, but I do have an action plan that I intend on following.  I pray that I am on the right path finally!

Blessings to you all,

Elizabeth

Trying to be happier – as my husband wants

Trying to be happier – as my husband wants

First, sorry about the no-show last week!  I had back to back consultations then a whole slew of other things to do, combine with a couple of really down days and voila!  No blog.  Regardless, I’m back.

So, my husband tells me last night in fact that he wants me to be happier.  You know, that whole happy wife, happy life type thing.  The thing is I’m just not that happy.  It has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.  So, I’ve been soul-searching trying to figure out what would make me happier.  You see, first I’m bipolar and that kind of lends itself to struggling to find happiness.  But it isn’t all that, either.  I think I’ve simply been living in such a way as to promote a negative attitude and I really need to work on that.  I’ve had a few thoughts on the matter.

First, I have a weight problem, which I’ve wrote about before that really bothers me.  My self-image is really bad, but do I really do anything about it? No, I don’t.  I know exercise releases endorphins, I know because I’ve experienced it first-hand.  And good nutrition also plays a part in being at a healthy weight and feeling good as well.  So, I plan on having an exercise plan again.  I had one but it went to the weigh side because life got to hectic.  But, I need to make healthy eating and exercise mandatory in my life.  I’m not saying that if I lose 100 lbs. I’ll be a happy person (it would help though!), I think the lack of happiness runs deeper than that.

A very dear friend of mine told me that happiness is in service to others.  And, I agree with that and Jesus himself preached about the importance of being a servant.  I know I am not one.  I am so worried all the time about my own little world, and I know I’ve written about this before.  I worry about everything and, again, Jesus preached to not worry and Scripture says to hand your anxieties over to God because he cares for you.  So, why do I worry?  I have no idea, it just happens and I hate it actually.  I am so tired of worrying about all these minute details that don’t really matter in the whole scheme of things.  I am tired of not trusting in God to take care of my itty-bitty problems.  God created the universe; I do believe He can handle the things that bother me.  I know that when I do manage to let go, and it does happen every once in a while, I feel much more at peace.  It’s letting go that is hard for me.  But maybe, if I start to put others first, I won’t be so self-consumed.  For instance, this whole Mary Kay thing has not panned out the way I had hoped and that is what I was talking to my friend about, that I had signed up in order to help women feel good about themselves, to enrich their lives.  She suggested I go to assisted living facilities or to the local mission that helps women get back in the work force and just offer free facials and makeovers without expecting anything in return.  I think that is a brilliant idea.  I know that helping women feel better even for a day would give me joy – I want to be of service to others but in a way that works for me.

In short, I need to live healthier and I need to put others first.  I think that is what would help me to be a happier person.  I know it won’t come from more money, or a new car or house, or a diamond ring.  The happiness has to come from the inside.  It has to come from the heart. So, in the week to come I am going to work on being healthier and look into offering my services to these places and see where that takes me.  I know that anything would be an improvement over what I am feeling now.  I’m so tired of the down days, even though they have always been with me and always will; maybe, I can just bring them down to a minimum.  Wish me luck!

Blessings to you all,

Elizabeth

I learned something this week, shocking I know!

I learned something this week, shocking I know!

Just to keep you up-to-date, I both quit and then un-quit the Mary Kay thing.  I’m going to keep trying to do it for a while and see how it goes.  I don’t know if its ups and downs are conducive to my natural ups and downs, but we will see.  But enough about that.

Here’s what I learned this week, and I will admit that it is sad that it took me so long to realize this.  Sometimes, I’m slow at realizing things I guess.  Anyway, here it is…I’m a 45 year old woman and I don’t have to do a darn thing that I don’t want to do!  As I said, slow to realize things.  I answer to God and to a lesser extent, my husband but other than that, I’ll take your advice or whatever under advisement.  Now, I’m not saying that other people’s opinions don’t matter, it’s just I’m old enough to make my own choices and I don’t have to do things I don’t want to do because of guilt or whatever is being tossed at me.  I’m done with that.  I think I have finally realized that I am actually a grown-up and not a child, and I’m fully aware that it took way too long for me to realize that.

In regards to my businesses, I can do whatever I want to do with them.  They are my businesses and I started them for the sole reason that I don’t like being told what to do or being made to do things I don’t want to do.  I really love being my own boss, yes that means it all comes down on my shoulders, but I wouldn’t want it any other way.  I have great respect for people like my husband who can go to work every day and work for someone else; it’s just not for me.  I tried it and nearly went insane in the cubicle prison I was in.  I like the freedom of choosing what to do and when to do it.  I like the idea that if I don’t feel like working one day, I don’t have to.  It’s all about the freedom, I’m big on that.  God didn’t put me on this earth to provide slave-labor to someone else’s dream, He gave me my own.

Of course, with freedom comes responsibility.  If my businesses falter, it’s on me.  If I don’t have any sales or lose a client, it’s on me.  But I don’t mind that at all and here’s why.  My main priority in this world is serving God, then my husband and home.  My businesses are a distant third priority, more like glorified hobbies, although I treat them as businesses.  In other words, I just don’t care, well, I do care, of course I want to be successful, but in the grand scheme of things, my businesses aren’t important.  Ten years from now is it going to matter what I’m doing today?  Probably not.  If there is anything good about this world is that it is temporary, both the good and the bad.  If I make a bad decision, its effect is temporary.  Alternatively, if I make a good decision it is still temporary, just may have a more lasting effect on my being as a whole.

All I’m trying to say is that you are in control of your choices in life.  What you choose to do and with who and all that is your choice.  Of course, God does play a role in it, but He still gives you the free will to make your own choices, you just have to answer for those choices.  So, do you want to start your own business?  Then do it.  Do you want to get married and have a family?  Then do it.  Do you want to sit on the couch for a day and watch a Star Wars marathon?  Then, by all means, do it!  Life is yours to live, so live it on your terms.

Blessings to you all,

Elizabeth

I just don’t know what to do, so I’m going to try to work it out here

I just don’t know what to do, so I’m going to try to work it out here

Ok, as you all know I became a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant about a month and a half ago; it has been no bed of roses for me I can tell you.  Don’t get me wrong, Mary Kay is a great company and has great products that I just love, truly.  But you see I’m a pretty good actress, so my recruiter sees only what I want her to see and that is that everything is hunky dory or at least as much as I can make it seem; my husband, however, sees behind the mask, backstage and knows that this has been an emotional roller coaster for me and that is never a good thing when you’re already on one due to mental illness.  My husband has seen all the tears, my recruiter has not.  So, I’m trying to decide if I want to continue with this Mary Kay thing or just call it quits and be done with it.  The problem is I’m conflicted and I need to make a decision soon.  So, the question I’ve been asking myself is if I would regret walking away so soon after starting it or would I feel relieved?  And that is where the conflict comes in because as far as I can tell the answer is both.

My husband is thinking I should quit because all he wants is a happy wife to come home to and I have not been that at all.  He also thinks that this whole Mary Kay thing is just not for me with the personality that I have, he knows that I could do it, but he doesn’t think it’s been the fun hobby it was supposed to be.  You see, my nature is very introverted, as you all know, and I would much prefer to be home with my animals reading, writing, doing housework even – anything but out in public plastering a smile on my face saying hi to people I don’t know.  I’m just not a people-person; I’m an animal-person!  I’d rather talk to a dog than a person; let’s just leave it at that.  Not that there’s anything wrong with people, I just have always tended to avoid them.  So, why on God’s green Earth did I decide that being a Mary Kay Consultant was a good choice for me?  I thought that I needed to stretch out of my comfort zone and have more confidence with people and I thought Mary Kay was the vehicle for that change.  I still do too, it’s just I underestimated how uncomfortable that change would be.

I also know that I have not been working it the way I should be.  We have these things called facial boxes that we put around in local businesses that offer complimentary facials with, usually, a gift certificate with initial purchase type thing, all you do is fill out a short form and put your name in the box.  I know of consultants with over 20 boxes out and are getting all kinds of leads and bookings as a result of being out there really working hard.  And congratulations to their success, they’ve earned it!  Now, I have two out and they are doing nothing for me.   I have a wonderful friend who offered to drive me around the parts of town that I don’t know much about to get more boxes out there.  As I have been told, it’s all in the numbers.  The more people I reach, the more yeses I get, that kind of thing.  And I totally get that, I do.  So, why haven’t I put out all kinds of boxes all over town?  That’s a good question that I don’t have much of an answer to, other than I just don’t care much.  Shouldn’t that be a good indication that I’m just not that into this whole thing? Would I feel differently about things if I had a bunch of boxes out and had leads galore and making a booking a day and selling several hundred dollars a week?  I would think that I probably would, unless that would just be more than I can handle and lead to more stress and tears. Let me put it this way, with my other business, I work on average twice a week for two different women and I work 2 hours in the morning with one then have a hour break then two hours in the afternoon with the other one, and there are days when that is more stress than I can handle and I have trouble with the tears.  So, would more success really make me happier?  I just don’t know, but somehow I doubt it.

As you can probably tell by this post, I am all over the place about what to do.  One moment, I’m telling myself to walk away and the next moment I am telling myself to try harder and give it a chance.  And I could poll all my friends and family and get different answers from them all, and in the end, still have to make the decision myself, because no one can do it for me.  I plan on spending time in prayer and really think about this, because I don’t want to do anything rash.  I tried very hard to think this through when I signed up to be a Mary Kay Consultant and I need to put a lot of thought into what I want to do now.  I had hoped hashing it out in this post would help, but unfortunately, it hasn’t.  I’m still conflicted.  Maybe, I just need to let it go for a couple of hours and just cuddle up with my dog and read a good book and let my subconscious work on this for a while.  Ultimately, it’s in God’s hands and He already has an answer for me, I just have to be quiet enough to hear it.  Thanks for reading and if you have any advice I would love to hear it!

Blessings to you all,

Elizabeth