I lost my mother on May 4, 2002 at 7:50 am; it was a Saturday. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at a friend’s house when my father called to tell me and I remember the first words I said after I hanged up with my dad – “I have no mommy anymore”. I had no idea what that meant or the horror I would go through because of it. There were a few days between her death and her funeral and what I remember of those days was lying in bed, no music or TV, just lying there looking out the window watching the wind blow through the trees. I was no stranger to the feeling of being numb, but nothing I had ever experienced came close to how I felt during those days. What is weird about losing someone like that is the things you remember. I remember how my nails were decorated; I wore acrylics at the time and I remember how they looked. I couldn’t look in a mirror; I look like my mom and when I looked in the mirror all I saw was her face looking back at me. Her funeral was a simple affair and I remember what song was sung and I remember what I wrote about her that the preacher recited to the crowd. The crazy part is that was the easiest part of it. After that came the horror and realization of just what her death meant.
The next year was the worst year of my life. I had nightmares nightly where we were in a crowd together and I couldn’t get close to her, then I would wake up and it felt like someone had ripped out my heart. I lost her over and over again that year. It was during this year that I finally sought help from the county mental health and was diagnosed Bipolar, put on meds and put on Social Security. I, in every way possible, broke down. My whole life changed. I had been really close to my mom; but I had distanced myself from her when she was sick because I just couldn’t deal with it. I have no excuse for my behavior, sure, I could say it was because I was mentally ill, but that would just be a bunch of crap. I in every way abandoned her simply because I couldn’t deal with her being sick. That is something I have to live with for the rest of my life. If the roles were to have been reversed, she would have been with me every second to the last. Regret is a terrible thing to deal with, so my advice is to love with all your heart and never take a second you have with your loved ones for granted because they can be taken in a heartbeat.
It took years for me to come to terms with her loss. And I do mean years, a lot of them. Now, I am in a much better place and have learned to live life without a mother. I have learned to live with the fact that there is no one on this planet that cares for me like she did. No one cares for you like your mother does, if she is a true mother. I have learned to live without the daily calls to just see if I was okay. I have learned to live without her support, her advice, her presence. Mostly, because I just don’t let myself think about what I don’t have anymore, and appreciate what I do have. I have a father that loves me dearly and I have a husband whose whole existence is to make me happy. Plus, a stepmom and stepsister and in-laws. God takes away, but He also gives back.
As I already said, don’t take a second for granted that you have with your loved ones. They truly can be taken from you in a heartbeat. Love with all your heart, don’t hold back anything. Regret is the worst thing to have to deal with, especially when you can’t make it right. My mother was a great mom and a wonderful human being and I took everything about her for granted because I simply didn’t realize how blessed I had been to have her. And that is something I never told her and now I can’t. I know she is in Heaven, and if I live life as a Christian to the best of my ability I will see her again. I can’t wait to tell her how much she mattered to me and how thankful I am for everything she did for me. That is my only comfort. Do me a favor, if your loved ones are still around, tell them how important they are, don’t let the opportunity slip by for them to know.
Blessings to you all,