Another impromptu post about my spiritual crisis or whatever this is.

I needed to write today; I have a lot going on in my head and I need to get it out.  First, this week was not a good one at all; mostly because I was trying to do it all myself, instead of relying on God to handle all of it.  I have been so caught up with this world that I have had trouble praying, spending time with God, and putting Him first in my life.  You see this home of mine is like my convent.  I’m not Catholic and I’m married so actually being in a convent is not possible.  So, I try to create one by being home and spending time throughout the day with God.  But this week, everything blew up in my face.  I was worried about money, my VA business, client work, and, in general, what to do with my life. And I’m wondering that because I don’t know if I want to work on the VA business anymore.  Problem is there are people in my life that expect me to do something and telling them that I’m not sure about it anymore would not go over well.  But I can tell you this, if there were such a thing as a fairy godmother and she swooped down with her magic wand and asked me what I wanted to do and it would be granted, I would ask to be a freelance writer, not a VA.  No doubt about that one.

The problem is me on a few different levels.  First, I don’t seem to be able to trust God as I should to work out what I’m supposed to do, which is ridiculous; He created the universe, I think He can handle my trivial little problems.  Second, I have a debilitating case of low self-esteem, I mean like zero confidence.  So, putting myself out there to write or do anything is very hard for me.  Again, it comes down to trusting in God and that seems to be where I am failing.  Again and again, I have the same problem, thinking I have to work it all out on my own instead of trusting God to handle it.  Third, I don’t want to let people down who have been trying to help me and support me on this VA thing, but my heart went out of it when I was denied a client because I wasn’t as cheap as the overseas VAs. Comparing them to me just hurt and royally ticked me off, that’s all I have to say about that.  I’m going through the motions to please people who are very important to me and not trying to live a life that I want to live.

So, the question comes down to be a VA or be a freelance writer?  That’s the simplest version of the problem I can write.  It’s really a very simple question, but there is not an easy answer to it.  I think I would rather work part-time and write than do the VA business.  And considering how I feel about leaving the home that is a rather huge flag of what it is I want to be doing.  But, I’m not sure; I haven’t been a VA for any serious length of time or had a variety of clients to be able to pull from experience to know for sure that is NOT what I want to do.  And, I haven’t done any professional freelance writing to tell you for sure that IS what I want to do.  See the conundrum?

What it all boils down to is to simply trust God to work this entire thing out.  I am reminded again of my favorite verse, Romans 8:28:  “And God will work all things out to the good of those who love him and were called according to his purpose.”  God already has a plan for me and has this all worked out; I just have to have the faith to trust Him to do it.  What I need to do is stop micro-managing every aspect of my life and let God’s plan unfurl according to His timing and His will; which it will, if I back off and let it happen.  That is what I need to work on for a while, just letting it all go and giving it over to God.  All I know is that my shoulders are not broad enough to handle all of this on my own and I am done with all this worrying, it is getting me nowhere.  As always, thanks for reading, getting this off my chest has helped a bit.  Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Blessings to you all,

Elizabeth

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